How to Respond When Kids Are Stressed or Struggling with Dr. Stephanie Grant
- Safe and Sound Schools
- Oct 17
- 7 min read
“Behavior is the language of the brain. It’s communication, not defiance.”
— Dr. Stephanie Grant
What happens in a child’s brain when they’re under stress, and what can adults do to help?
Too often, behavior is mistaken for defiance rather than communication. Understanding the difference can transform how schools, families, and communities respond to children in moments of need.
In this episode of The Sound Off on School Safety, Michele Gay sits down with Dr. Stephanie Grant — child development expert, trauma-informed educator, and Safe and Sound Schools Speaker — for a deep, compassionate look at what’s really happening beneath the surface of student behavior. Together, they unpack how stress impacts the brain, why adult regulation matters most, and how small shifts in understanding can create safer, more connected learning environments.
Dr. Grant shares practical strategies for teachers, administrators, and parents alike — from proactive planning to relational connection — all grounded in one powerful principle: if we can’t make it better, we shouldn’t make it worse.
Below you’ll find the full episode guide with key themes and standout quotes to guide your listening.
Episode Guide
[02:46] Reframing Child Behavior and Adult Perception
Michele and Dr. Grant introduce the concept that child behavior “tells a story.” Stephanie shares examples of children reacting instinctively under stress (e.g., curling into a ball or “freezing”), emphasizing that behavior is often unintentional.
"To a brain, trauma and stress really shouldn't be differentiated. The only difference between whether we're talking about – traumatization or stress – is whether [the] brain just visits that space of dysregulation and higher arousal or whether it lives there. If you have a dysregulated kid in front of you because they stayed up too late or their blood sugar is low or something stressful is going on at home, you might see [out of character] behaviors that are coming out of that stress response. For some kids, life [has been] been built around stress, so they tend to live in those spaces. And those are the kids that from a school safety perspective, we often think of more. Those are our highflyers, where they do create safety issues.” —Dr. Stephanie Grant
[08:01] Stress, Trauma, and the Developing Brain
Dr. Grant explains how stress affects brain function across all ages. Adults and children under stress regress neurologically, and behavior should be interpreted through physiological responses rather than intent. Dr. Grant introduces Bruce Perry’s arousal continuum and the idea that strategies can apply to any age when the brain is dysregulated.
"We think of the brain as a thinking organ, but it's not. Out of all of the parts to your brain, and there are a ton of them, there's only two parts that think. The more stressed you get, the less you can access those. There used to be a lot of things in a school environment that kids could do successfully [while] totally stressed out and not really thinking. So, we didn't see behavior issues. But now for kids that we're requiring to do critical thinking and problem solving, we're [asking] them to be at this very front part of their brain. They can't be stressed out and be there, so they're not successful. We're seeing that duality of requirements and their brain isn't sure which direction to go.” —Dr. Stephanie Grant
[16:31] Expanding Adult Understanding and Preparedness
The conversation shifts to adults’ roles — educators, counselors, SROs, and parents — in responding to child stress. Dr. Grant stresses that adults must understand the physiological experience of a child under stress. Michele emphasizes that students' choices cannot be divided into “good” and “bad” when it comes to stress responses.
“I think about that language and how inaccessible [a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ choice] is for a child when [their reaction] wasn’t a choice. ‘What are you talking about? I have no idea what just happened to me. You're judging my actions based on whether I had the power or chose wrong somehow. And then you're making me go cool out over here and stop and think.’ [After an outburst, we’re saying to kids] now you have to go be trapped with yourself and stop and think and problem solve and come to me with a better solution, a better choice. It's not very aware of the actual physiology of what's going on in front of us.” —Michele Gay
[25:31] Tools and Strategies for Adults
Dr. Grant reflects on her experiences, both personally and professionally, and highlights key strategies for working with stressed children. She discusses the importance of balancing empathy with clear boundaries, pre-planned safety strategies for predictable and safe responses, giving children space to self-regulate, and more.
“[Heather Forbes] talks about how you have to bring together this duality of Mr. Rogers coupled with an army general. Sometimes we get into trauma work, we start talking about stories kids have gone through, and the instinct is to feel like we can't put in boundaries. That is not the case. It does not matter what a kid has gone through or how much empathy I have for them; they are not allowed to destroy a classroom or hit people. In fact, a lot of those kids need tighter boundaries than other students.” —Dr. Stephanie Grant
[33:31] Crisis Planning and Preventing Escalation
Michele and Amy dive into actionable ways an ecosystem of support and resources can be created to support comprehensive school safety. They highlight the importance of leveraging relationships and existing networks to bring people together and make collaboration practical.
“We lose our ability to critically think when we get more stressed out, and [a] plan helps prevent a whole lot of safety issues. It helps prevent us from continuing to escalate things. I'm a big advocate that we need student behavior safety plans to be in place just like we would have a tornado plan or a fire drill.” —Dr. Stephanie Grant
[41:01] The Power of Pausing and Containing Stress
Dr. Grant shares practical guidance for managing mild behavioral issues without escalating stress. Adults should pause, avoid unnecessary verbal responses, and prioritize not making situations worse. She emphasizes that the “if you can’t make it better, don’t make it worse” principle applies universally in classrooms and homes.
“[There is power in] the pause. If it is not a safety issue and you have a student who acts annoying, disrespectful, does something that's super mildly unsafe – like throwing something at a wall, not a stapler at somebody's head – that sometimes the only strategy you need is just to pause and not react yourself to that situation because there are a big chunk of students that as long as you don't react and you hold space, that's all they need to flip to that cortical area, think, come up with the choice that you want them to have. A lot of times we jump so fast on the unintentional reaction that we end up reinforcing that stress response and not even giving time for that intentional behavior to show up.” —Dr. Stephanie Grant
[46:31] Preparing Children Without Inducing Stress
The discussion shifts to drills, simulations, and skill-building for safety. Dr. Grant emphasizes practicing in low-stress conditions and using playful or exaggerated practice to simulate high-stress responses to avoid traumatization or triggering stress responses. She highlights that unnecessary stress of simulation drills can be damaging to developing brains and may increase anxiety or school avoidance.
“[When I was in school, we] overly prepared for fires, but I also don't remember being afraid of fires. The adults did a really good job of [preparing us without scaring us]. Now we have adults that are stressed out and scared [of school shootings]. And that's a really hard thing to navigate, not just for our staff but for parents. I think the message we need to really focus on with our kids is ‘It is my first job to keep you safe, and if this is not safe, here's what I'm going to do, here is our plan.’” —Dr. Stephanie Grant
[55:16] Relationships as the Most Powerful Tool
Dr. Grant closes with the central takeaway: relationships matter more than any strategy. Investing in authentic relational connections with children reduces stress, prevents behavioral escalations, and has long-term positive impacts. Michele affirms this, highlighting the importance of empathy, preparation, and adult responsibility in building safe, supportive school environments.
“The most powerful tool I could ever give somebody in working with kids is their own relationship with that child. That has such big implications for not just in the moment, but long term and [even] generational [implications]. Don't ever underestimate the power of the relational work that you do with these kids. We've heard the adage that the kids who need it most are the kids who often push against it the most. But it's your interactions and relationships with kids, especially when they're not stressed, that is going to make the biggest impact on decreasing those stress issues and decreasing the safety issues when they are stressed.” —Dr. Stephanie Grant
Listen to the Full Episode with Dr. Stephanie Grant
This episode of The Sound Off offers meaningful insight for educators, school leaders, and families into how understanding stress and behavior can transform the way we build safe learning environments. From recognizing that behavior is the language of the brain to rethinking how adults respond in moments of challenge, Michele Gay and Dr. Stephanie Grant share lessons that reframe discipline, deepen empathy, and strengthen school culture.
Today’s episode is presented by Verkada, trusted by schools protecting more than 20 million students. With video security, access control, and panic buttons all in one platform, Verkada gives schools the tools to respond fast and keep their communities safe.
Check Out These Additional Resources from Safe and Sound and Dr. Stephanie Grant
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